Saif Ali Khan dancing in Keemat

I want to smoke what Saif is smoking

I always thought Saif Ali Khan was a chill dude.

Just going about his job as a 50 year old man playing a 25 year old man. A man who stayed away from Bollywood bullshit. Who sits in his haveli and plays the guitar, sips on French wine and probably wears satin underwear – a nawaab among kabaabs.

I don’t care too much about the ‘Nepotism rocks’ controversy. Or for any controversy for that matter. I am at an age where nothing can faze me anymore. When Linkin Park’s frontman died, I felt bad for a few seconds. As mourning, I ate one idli less and didn’t ask for onion chutney. My cold heart has been turned to stone in the heartless world we live in.

Also, I understand that scripts for award shows usually begin pure like Gangotri – and end up like the Hussain Sagar lake, thanks to the inputs of actors, writers and event producers. I wrote the script for Filmfare South Awards this year and somehow, we ended up having a dark guy dressed in a saree on stage accepting the ‘Black Lady’. So I know. I get it.

I am also familiar with the life of a controversy.

A controversy first erupts on Twitter, and is picked up by BuzzFeed and ScoopWhoop, those two beacons of journalism who put the ‘nali’ in journalism. It appears on my news at 9 AM, fresh and hot like blessings from Gomata on a national highway.

Slowly, opinions are shared. First, from that one person who is unnecessarily vocal about issues (if you’re on my list, I’m that guy!). Then the issue slowly dissipates to second level social news aggregators – like Being Indian, Sarcasm, and Bahut bhook lagi hai, subah subah thoda tatti khila mujhe. By lunchtime, it has become the OUTRAGE OF THE DAY. Our half an hour contribution to nation building under the Pradhan Mantri Jio Phone Lo, FB pe haggo Yojana.

By the next day, nobody gives a shit.

*

Then I saw the open letter and was tempted to read it.

I imagined the letter to be a nuanced, thought out treatise. A well-read man writing out a regal letter, sitting on his porch with his pooch while twirling his mooch. Royalty coupling with satin underwear to produce a beautiful, thoughtful letter.

What it was though, was a man sprawled on the footpath after gulping down a bottle of Director’s Special Premium XXX Brand Whiskey. A man who has run out of cigarettes and has had to smoke a pack of Ball Beedi.

saif dopp main

His retort was absurd, fantastical and tangential to the point where it got excruciating. It was so full of shit, I had to cleanse my screen with Harpic Powerplus Toilet Cleaner.

Screen Shot 2017-07-24 at 2.22.14 AM

So far so good. But Nawaab has just lit the joint and taken a puff of the strong stuff. He inhales deeply, his royal lungs filling up with the white smoke, only to float out of his royal nose gracefully.

Nawaab saab closes his eyes for a few moments, ponders on the meaning of life and then wonders what he has to say. Kya Kehna?

Let’s see…

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This is where things get a little icky. Firstly, the analogy of race horses doesn’t make any fucking sense. Race horses are bred with the single aim to run courses. Are you seriously telling me that’s what goes in human’s minds when they look for partners? That we think not with the nuanced intelligence and empathy of human beings, but in terms of pedigree of race horses? By that logic Kim Sharma and Umesh Yadav must produce the finest children in the country? Are you even fucking serious?

Not only is Saif pleased as punch with his philosophical analogy, he goes on to give some shit to a poor reporter from Elle. To read a book and improve her vocabulary – which is all fine advice. Only, she’s a writer who contributes articles to internet magazines. You own a town.

A fucking town! You’re the ruler of a place in the largest democracy in the world! Anybody who is the Nawab should stay away from discussions on nepotism, man. And you’re lecturing a girl some 20 years younger to you to read books? Could you be a little less cocky, Mr. Dicky Malhotra?

Saif Ali Khan then proceeds to light the joint again (for it might have gone off with all the brainwaves that crash at the banks of his brain. So he lights the joint and comes up with more gems through the night.

Like this bit:

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What the fuck are you talking about? Three systems at play? Aristocracy, meritocracy, democracy? What the fuck is this? Chandrakanta??

I always thought Saif Ali Khan was a deep, philosophically intelligent man, but now I realise it was always Kareena Kapoor who said so! And her opinion can be taken with bags of NaCl. But then NaCl ke liye bhi akal chahiye!

Nepotism cannot work in the film industry because it is a democracy? So where will nepotism work, wise one? The People’s Republic of North Korea? Do you even read what you write, O! Nawaab of Kabaabs?

What genetic investment are you talking about?

You of all people shouldn’t be talking about nepotism. Your debut film was symbolically called Parampara. In a space of four years, your character was named ‘Raja’ in four films, ‘Prince Vijay’ in one, and another film was called Ek Tha Raja! And you own a fucking town, man!

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What sort of genetic investment went into Bambai ka Babu, Surakshaa, and Aao Pyar Karein? What investment philosophy is this? Rich Dad, Poor Dad??

You won a National Award for Best Actor for Hum Tum. Not Manikchand Superstar of the Year Award – the NATIONAL AWARD. For Hum Tum, a film that was shamelessly copied from the legendary Hollywood rom-com When Harry Met a Shitty Scriptwriter. Your mother Sharmila Tagore was the Chairman of the Central Board of Film Certification. Hum Tum? Are you fucking kidding me? 2004 was the year of films like Swades, Lakshya, Yuva, and Ab Tak Chhappan. And you won it for Hum Tum. And you’re lecturing a 20-something writer to read more books?

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What does that bit about Johnny Depp’s advice even mean? Never complain and never explain? You just complained and explained a fucking 1000 word slob-fest. And what do you mean when you say you have forgotten his advice and you’re never going to forget it again? Does that sentence make sense in a different dimension? The one in which Kachhe Dhaage exists?

And now we are supposed to root for fucking Arjun Kapoor? The guy has the acting range of a drunk hippopotamus? Why don’t you just go ahead and tell us which design of Amul Macho underwear we need to buy too?

You get to play the lover boy opposite actresses half your age, even though the film has all the realism of a Saavdhaan India Weekend Dhamaal episode. You get to play guitar with Parikrama with skills that are marginally better than a 3rd year IIT student’s. You get to strum G-A-D-C chords on a guitar and pretend to sing songs along with Pritam Chewbacabarty on a music awards show. AND, YOU’RE THE KING OF A FUCKING TOWN!  

The truth is, you got to act in 25 films before Dil Chahta Hai. 25 films! Most actors in the country would give their arms, balls, and liver to get to act in 25 films. You got to live the life of a superstar while sucking gloriously at your job. And I don’t know if you realised it along the way of all the beautiful books you read (which the writer for Elle didn’t). That you lead a life of privilege.

Kangana Ranaut has no such luck. She will not get producers making ‘genetic investments’ in her career for twenty years, while she pathetically flaps about with bigger stars for a hit. To go up on stage and perform a gag is one thing. But to write an open letter from a closed mind, to give vague analogies of race horses and genetic investments – proves you’ve clearly been reading the wrong books. May be if you picked up the latest edition of Elle, you would see the number of actors who struggle to get films.

So kindly shut the fuck up about nepotism. Smoke some cigars, order satin underwear on Zivame, and go the fuck to sleep.

And oh, pass me your dealer’s number, will you, Raja?

***

87 thoughts on “I want to smoke what Saif is smoking

  1. Qbera

    Haha… perfect roasting. It’s obvious that he doesn’t know the meaning of all those big words. I would have been worried if he really meant it. Classic example of dangerous ‘half knowledge’.

    Reply
  2. B.B

    I just want to inform everyone that most of the audience at IIFA was booing saif and karan johar….not only were they horrible hosts but they were as funny as a leaf blowing in the wind

    and poor saif…bad at acting…bad at ruling his town….bad at hosting…and now bad at writing as well….wonder what he is good at beside belonging to nepotism

    Reply
  3. B.B

    saif should be ashamed for even talking…he is not really talented, so i wonder how even gets work if not for the fact of nepotism and as for IIFA him and karan johan were so bad that even the audience was booing them so can’t act, can’t host and clearly can’t write and don’t think he will make a great leader for that poor town so what is he good at again beside being a part of nepotism??

    Reply
  4. Shashank Aggarwal

    Killer man!

    Re-read this today on the large screen of my PC 😛

    The reviews on top are the most amazing!

    Look forward to more bajaoing and your next one

    Reply
  5. Alap ND

    Superb article with regional relevance. Loved all the references.
    It is apparent that you have researched well about the Nawab before embarking on this literary piece of gold.
    Only request… Continue churning out such hilarious and thought provoking articles. Would love to read these.
    This article is certainly not a lighthearted piece of fluff or rants of a deranged/disgruntled fan of Patuadi.
    Unfortunately, Indian Actors/Cricketers and Celebrities are quite privileged and any nonsense or even acts of crime are easily condoned or forgiven by the public. It is high time someone categorically called them out and pointed out their dastardly acts.

    Reply
  6. K rana

    Height of nepotism
    PADAMSHRI…..for Saif Ali khan
    Genetics gone totally wrong……Neither good cricketer nor actor.
    High time he should change his content writer.
    They are saying…..our joke went flat…..!!!!!
    They think except for them ….all others are bloody fools.
    How you all three jokers are feeling…..when everybody is making fun of you…belittling you and calling you names.
    I’m glad there is a zero tolerance for such behaviour.

    Reply
  7. Paresh

    Hahaha…. Awesome writing, bhai… I would definitely not mind smoking what fires-up your satarical mind, either…! And yes, looking forward to “investing” in your work (books), in the near future…. Cheers! 🙂

    Reply
  8. Collen

    Seriously guys , we being in India , talking about female equality and all, we cannot digest some actress doing some bad(as per them) , as if we are born of the holy Ganga. SERIOUSLY guys big shots like the ones in the award function stage should infact help younger generation … If u don’t like any thing, go and tell it to her… Have the balls… But speaking about someone behind their back without knowing the actual things is utter foolishness… I hope they understand… Idiots

    Reply
  9. callingoutbullshitwriters

    For someone who doesn’t care about the ‘Nepotism Rocks’ controversy you seem to have a fairly large opinion about it seeing from the size of your ‘stoner’ article. And if you want to know what’s Saif’s smoking you surely aren’t going to get it from this pathetic attempt at sarcastic humour. And for one who mocks plagiarism you seem to have a great opinion of movies and actors for whose workyou didn’t even pay to watch.
    And while Saif has done his fair share of pathetic movies, who hasn’t? Definitely not the constantly power hungry, patronising Kangana, who had to use the very directors show who she was telling off to make herself shine in the limelight. She has won national awards multiple times recently not for her acting prowess but for trading in a national Ad or two.(like Tanu weds Manu returns deserved an award). National Awards are just given to patronise people, especially nowadays where you trade in a favour or two with the Government.
    And who is Kangana? Where were her so called upper caste ancestors who never stepped into the film industry because they thought it was where people sold themselves like prostitutes for work, while actors like Sharmila Tagore, directors like Yash Johar and David Dhawan put their sweat and toil into making the film industry a place where the very same upper caste kids are dying to work thanks to the fame. Yes Nepotism exits everywhere not just in the film industry in India, but the world and in every industry and why not? If you are good enough and your family has the power to see you succeed why not? It’s their money after all. Every Indian parent will back their own kids before another, then why not the film industry? Many fail, others last thanks to the audience.
    If their parents were part of building the film industry and making it what it is today, and the audience wants to see them then who are you or the great ‘Kangana’ to decide whether they get a role or not. Like Saif said it’s a business and people will bet on the winning horse, which can also fail at times. This is what he meant by comparing the race horses to good genes which your smoke filled mind probably couldn’t fathom.

    And FYI, he isn’t the King of a fucking town, it’s just a title. Have you forgotten that the Indian government abolished princely states in 1971. He just owns a palace, which is difficult for you to digest I guess because you have adhered to it multiple times in this pathetic write up.

    And if that so called naive 20 something at Elle had the guts to write a bullshit patronising article she better have the guts to get some backlash even if it’s from the Nawab of Pataudi, or a privileged actor in the industry. Why are we only allowed to criticise them while they are supposed to shut their mouths and not have an opinion.

    And from this pathetic piece you called an article, you would do well to take his advice and read some actual books too.

    Reply
    1. Hriday Ranjan Post author

      Hahaha. Never thought Saif would have ardent fans. But I guess one can never guess where a chutiya would pop up, all of a sudden.

      Reply
  10. Nolana D'Mello

    O Lord! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. Someone had to call him out!
    Pompous old Nawab!

    Reply
  11. Ujjwal

    Farrago of Islamophobia and Islam Hate could be seen right in in the Author and most of the respondents.
    The Irony is, the Title Picture has BOTH Saif and “Canadian Hindu Patriot” Akshay Kumar in the hilarious costume, both have been beneficiary of “Nepotism” (For Akshay, his “In-Laws” Lobying helped him during his mid career super flops). If you can mock Saif for Humtum award, I would say Akshay’s performance in “Rustom” or any Pseudo Nationalist Movies like Baby, Holiday was not that extraordinary.

    But yes, people of One Religion are more “Equal” than others in this “Modi-Fried” India.

    Reply
    1. Aditi

      Huh? Islam ki baat kahan se agayi bhaiya? Akshay Kumar ki Rustom utni hi tatti thi! And he praised Swades…which started, let me guess… Shah Rukh Khan. Don’t bring religion in every goddamned thing, please!

      Reply
    2. prabal

      I am sure this is kejriwal writing under the name of Ujjwal, connecting everything to Modi. and btw Akshay wasn’t married to twinkle in his mid career flop time. and Yes I agree that his performance in Rustam was yukk…

      Reply
  12. Saby

    A friend posted the link to this article on FB…did not expect to be impressed…I was wrong 🙂 Can’t get over “AND, YOU’RE THE KING OF A FUCKING TOWN!”

    Reply
  13. I b nasty

    Literature lessons from kanta Ben! !that’s not a letter Saif that’s your ego farting in public and it stinks we would probably have had better movies to watch and a closet full of Indian wins at cannes and Sundance awards had it not been for the kind substandard talent the industry’ produces ( pune intended)

    Reply
  14. Shipra

    Hello. I have been a fan of your wit and sarcasm but this one has me bowing to thee!!!

    I have read this about 10 times since morning, laughing still at every sentence.

    More power to you!!

    Reply
    1. Sonam

      The article is hilarious. Agreed. But do you have to use the word “Rape” in such a context? Like did you have to?

      Reply
  15. Rupali Mehra

    This was Hahahahilarious. Good job , though frankly behind the Nawab is some wannabe script writer sychophant patting his own back for writing Saif’s open letter. An English major with bollywood aspirations.

    Reply
  16. D Sharma

    You are truly what geniuses are made up of. You are a Legend & I bow down to thee . There should be clones of you with equal wit walking on earth. This planet Needs more people like you. Bravo!

    Reply
  17. Saifs Drug Dealer

    You were looking for me? I’ll give you a discount. Only charge him more because he owns a fucking town. Nepotism doesn’t exist in our line of work either.

    Reply
    1. Hriday Ranjan Post author

      Yo! Hit me up with some good MJ, decent MD, and beautiful Laxmi Shiva Durga. 😀 Aur nawaab saab ke khaate mein likh dena!

      Reply
      1. Le Bug

        1. I cried out of elation
        2. You are my hero from now on
        3. Dealer guy, send me the same shit please!

        Reply
  18. Ridhi Sard

    Sarcasm on a new level! You’re the
    Man!!! Now can we please get Saif to read this instead of the crappy shit he has been reading!!!!

    Reply
  19. Radhika

    Who ARE you, I heart you !
    One of the comments above describes this piece best – “bulletproof”!

    Reply
  20. abeer gulaal

    Laale di jaan ” Ma c**d di nawaabi tart ki” – Lord bless ! and a geeli vaali pappi to you :*

    Reply
  21. Sanjali

    If your parents are pressurising you to find a sanskaari, chai-toh-leejeeye kind of bahu but you are a rebel at heart and want to break the rules, find me.

    I’ll marry you for your words.

    Jokes aside, congratulations, you earned some respect for throwing serious shade on this entitled little piece of shit.

    He is a nawaab and though. If he offers me some kebabs at his palace, I take this comment back.

    Reply
  22. Aalok

    Ordinary marijuana doesn’t send you to Saifu’s present La La Land. The only thing making sense here: since Kangana did that shit on KJo’s show, Chhota nawaab has been telling himself that he’s a proud racehorse. And partaking in his rightful share of Ketamine.

    Anyway, that letter will live on forever in infamy. And this article is by far best roast I’ve read in a long long time. Burnt him to a fucking crisp dude! Chandrakanta & the 4 rajas, 1 prince bit was absolute gold. That guy just gave the term ‘grand delusions’ an altogether different meaning.

    Flick through this (think) piece if you can. Critiques are welcome..
    https://medium.com/@SmartAleck/its-not-just-nepotism-bollywood-is-a-shit-fest-of-mediocrity-an-intervention-is-due-a5759422b9e8

    Reply
  23. Sangeeta

    Awesome and absolutely to the point.. fucking great bashing to a dim-wit nawab.. you have perfectly refuted each and every argument stated by the greatest nawab of all times with solid proofs and each hit strikes at bull’s eye

    Reply
  24. Aditi

    Well, from what I have heard of the young Saif, his intellectual prowess was not exactly extolled. I wonder why such expectations exist now. He’s just thrown around some big words and theories and caught himself in a net he is desperately trying to escape from. He is hoping against hope he doesn’t have to put in another rejoinder.

    Reply
  25. Preethi V

    Man, I would NEVER EVER mess with this writer. What a strong bulletproof piece! Not for the gentle-hearted at all.

    A suggestion (my hands are literally trembling as I type this): the strong language towards the end, is there some way that could be “optimised”? Just a lil!

    Loved reading. Thanks!

    Reply
  26. Potterhead

    This is pure liquid gold. You deserve to be on national television man! We sure need more opinions like this.Would’nt miss a single show if that ever happened!

    Reply
  27. rajat

    hahaha, what were u expecting, him acting, ya he has evolved as a actor, but then it is a the director who gets the actors to perform, NO ?

    dont worry kangana’s are fine and she will kick ass for who she is, the others will sit and brood 😉

    Reply
  28. Karan

    While I’ve run out of fucks to give about all these daily controversies, I am always on the hunt for the crisp sarcasm that follows. This article has ended the search and I’m mucho glad I came across it.

    V proud of the excessive usage of potty humor… This country has so much need of it.

    And could you pass your dealer’s number. That’s some crazy shit you’re smoking man

    Reply
  29. Indian Millennial

    bhai. saif bhasad disconnected toh tha. i would muse out but it’s not worth the effort. my takeaway from all this is…that he’s one disconnected man in his ivory tower who’s looking more n more outdated in the modern world.

    Reply
  30. Sonia Mehta

    I want to forward this article to all I know. It’s brilliant and should put to shame anyone who calls mud slinging and poking fun as a ‘joke’.

    Reply
  31. NIKHIL

    Nice article!

    Correction: It was “Best Actor in a Comic Role”. I couldn’t believe it when I read it at first. Fuck. No way.

    Reply

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