Are you a rapist? Have you been spending your life travelling, raping man, woman, and child?
You should visit India.
For you see, even though we keep blaming the West, we have a rich history of rape, assault, and blaming the victim.
In the Ramayan, Ravan kidnaps Sita, who’s Rama’s wife. Sita spends 14 years pining for Ram, and then after winning the war, Rama suspects her of having slept with Ravan. Later, when they are back in his kingdom, he overhears a washerman abusing his wife, and kicks Sita out of the kingdom, and into the forest. Years later, when Sita gives birth to Rama’s twins, he suspects if the kids were really his. Sita, unable to bear the humiliation, ends her life.
And Rama is called Purushottam, or the Ideal Man. See what I mean?
You must have also heard of Bollywood. Apart from Bollywood, we have other film industries, stupidly named Kollywood, Tollywood, and Mollywood. The films generally have heroes who stalk women, tease them, and harass them till they succumb to their charms. No, no. The films aren’t flops. They are superhits, we love our films.
Let me now, dear rapist, list out the many ways in which we as a country shall ensure that you have a pleasant, rape-filled stay in our country.
Politicians: We are the largest democracy in the world. Quite naturally, there should be quite a few rapists in the Parliament. There are 369 MPs/MLAs who have criminal cases against them, and I am only talking about crimes against women.
Rahul Gandhi, the scion of the most famous family in India, has been accused of rape. Narendra Modi, whom many herald as India’s only hope, has been banned from the UK and US for orchestrating an extravaganza of loot, murder, and rape.
Also, the politicians will generally take your side, accusing women of not being appropriately dressed, or inciting the incidents by dressing vulgarly.
Legal System: India also has a unique legal system. Cases take years to get heard, if at all. Also, our lawyers are generally quite open minded and liberal. Like the lawyer in the recent gangrape case, who said that the girl was raped because she wasn’t respectable.
Also, the most famous lawyer in the country has been in the news for fighting cases of criminals – Sanjay Dutt, Haji Mastaan, and Manu Sharma. Manu Sharma shot a waitress because she didn’t serve him a drink, and the lawyer fought the case on the lines that the waitress was of questionable character, and the place was actually a ‘bordello’.
Of course, the man is held as an inspiration by thousands of law students, who claim he only does it to extend the boundaries of the legal system.
Police and Army: They say ‘Long is the arm of law’. In India, the long arm of law is used majorly to slip into the pants and masturbate.
Most police officials think women ask for it by dressing up in skimpy clothes and having a boyfriend. And surely, if a girl sleeps with one, she will be ok with sleeping with others, right? Bingo!
Complaints are rarely registered, and if they are, the victim has to undergo a medical test where a male doctor inserts two fingers into her vagina to check if she has in fact been raped.
The army is a different case altogether. India has the sixth largest army in the world, and the army does a formidable job in raping. In fact, if you have a fetish for Mongolian looks, you should go to the North East states in India.
Here, there has been a law since 1986 called the AFSPA, which restricts three or more people from sitting together and having a discussion. Here, the army can search any house without a warrant, frisk you, or shoot you if deemed fit. The army has also got a history of raping women in these states.
Why doesn’t anybody raise this issue? Come on, man! It’s the North East states. Who gives a fuck?
So as you can see, the country, its social structure, the administration and jurisdiction is perfect for you, the rapist.
Apart from this, the country also provides other recreational options for rape, if you belong to a niche group.
Fetish Rape: If you are among the kinds that has a special thing for perverse pleasure, look no further than India.
Also, there are orphanages where kids are raped, and where foreigners are allowed to touch and feel young children. Physically handicapped girls, mentally challenged girls, housewives, foreigners – there is no discrimination in our country at all.
Also, the Cow is considered holy in our country, being called Go Mata. Quite naturally, sometimes, cows are also raped, poor things!
RAPE IN TRANSIT:
If you are a busy man without much time on your hands, and like raping on the go, India again has a plethora of options for you.
BUSES: Rapes in buses are common. Apart from the famous gangrape case, there have been other cases as well. For eg, in Pipili a girl was gangraped in a bus in front of other passengers. When one of the girls testified in court, she was gangraped as well. Ironically, ‘bus’ in Hindi means ‘enough!’, but of course, we Indians can never have enough!
TRAINS: The Indian Railways was set up by the Britishers and is among the largest network of trains in the world.
Scenic locations, long journeys, lack of security measures, and delayed schedules provide the perfect opportunity for you to rape a few women while on a long journey. To avoid hassles, you may consider throwing the victim out of the moving train. There will be a hue and cry the next day, but like the rest of the country, you would have moved on.
FLIGHTS: Now, I cannot guarantee you can rape someone on a flight, but you can definitely molest a few women.
Flights are still a luxury in our country, so you will not find much diversity to choose from on a flight. The delays in flights will be a hurdle in planning a rape. Also, the air hostesses on Air India and Indian Airlines are middle aged women who dress up in sarees. And as anyone in India will tell you, dressing up in a saree is the best way to avoid rape.
May be that’s why they say Air Travel is the safest mode of travel??
So there, my rapist brothers from across the world, where else in the world will you find such facilities? Where else will you find that that the entire system bends over backwards so that you can feel the rush of thrusting your penis into an unwilling vagina?
Where else can you feel like a real man, thrust your hard cock into her, and feel her warm blood flow down your loins, with the security that you can walk free?
Why do you think it’s called Incredible India?