I don’t usually act upon readers’ mails. Partly because most of them ask me to get a life/get a job/grow some balls.
However, I received a mail from a teenager a few days back in which I was asked to write about masturbation. It had become a source of shame, guilt and embarrassment for the kid, and had led to lack of confidence and achievement in the person.
Nobody in the world could empathise more on the subject than me. And probably Louis CK.
I have long maintained that I have to enemies in my life – my M&Ms – Marijuana and Masturbation. I know what you’re thinking, it is sacrilege to talk about Marijuana as an enemy. Or even Masturbation for that matter. They are both harmless, and give a lot of pleasure, and have become a way of life for many people. And you’re right.
‘Enemies’ might be too strong a choice of words. Let’s call them friends who have overstayed their welcome. Friends who have become annoying and disappointing over the years.
I have never been an inspired/inspirational sort of person. I have detested terms like ‘changing the nation’ and ‘waking up to an idea’. However, if there is a subject matter that I’m some sort of an expert on, it has to Masturbation. I have been a proficient practitioner, having honed my skills through years and years of practice and self-exploration.
So this one is for you, Bro. (Or Sis, I’m not sure. The email ID didn’t reveal too much).
All through November, I will be writing a series of articles on masturbation.
I will write about how such a natural, harmless act has become a matter of taboo. For a nation that pretends that sex doesn’t exist, masturbation isn’t even acknowledged. It is treated like a futuristic idea in a Christopher Nolan movie. There is no mention of masturbation in our epics, our art, our books, our stories, our culture, or even our films.
12 years after I came into the world, I delved deep into the ocean of Masturbation. I unearthed gems, and often sank too deep. I came rushing up for breath at times, or boldly plunged into icy waters at other times. I will write about the many adventures that Masturbation took me on. And the times it led to sheer embarrassment, shame and ridicule. I have spent hours, days, weeks and months chasing the unicorn. Since masturbation happens in the battleground of the mind, I have fought off urges that would scar people forever, or banish me permanently to Creepoland.
If you’ve subscribed to my blog and receive a mail titled ‘My Favourite Masturbatory Moments’, kindly do not panic. I will not attach pictures that might tempt you to spend some quality time with yourself. Nor will the mail contain words and paragraphs that will clang loudly against your office firewalls.
They will simply be a series of articles that revolve around the subject of masturbation. I hope the articles go some distance towards shedding the thick ghoongat around masturbation.
And dear dude/dudette who mailed me, I hope it makes you feel better.
I mean, not in that sense.