Weird Nipples

Movie Review – Padmavat(i) – Kaafi Tatt(i)

I have refrained from talking about the Padmavat-Karni Sena issue because it is embarrassing to think of.

That a fictional character would be exalted to the status of a goddess, misplaced pride would lead to death threats being issued in the open.

I find the issue of pride laughable. How can you be proud of being a Rajput?

‘Pride’ is to be felt when you belong to a world champion sporting side, or if you discover a new metal, invent a new technology – that is pride. What the fuck is Rajput pride?

How can you feel ‘pride’ about being born in a particular clan, when you have no choice in the matter? You did no work to be born in a particular clan. Your parents had sex, and sperms were transferred from the male organ to the female organ.

At that time, there was no viva voce conducted – Hello, Mr. Proud Sperm, which clan would you want to be born in? Aryan? Dravidian? IITian?? Nothing of that sort happened. So what the fuck is this pride that people keep harping about?

I have seen educated urban friends of mine put up statuses expressing pride in their clan, caste, religion, creed and blood group. I do not know what to make of it. After entering my 30s, I have reconciled to the fact that some things in life are twisted, and there’s nothing one can do about it.

But I digress.

This is about Padmavat, the movie.

Even though I have been panning Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s films for ten years now, I have a secret admiration for the guy. He has a vision of his own (even if they are hallucinogenic visions) and he goes ahead and executes his projects.

In spite of all his awards and recognition, Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s greatest achievement in cinema has been to get Salman Khan to emote, a task that amounts to getting a rabbit to attend a 21 day workshop on Hatha Yoga. But Bhansali’s films suffer from a key problem.

You always know the ending of a Bhansali film. Whether it is Rasleela, Devdas, Guzaarish, Bajirao Mastani. It is the same with this film too – you know exactly how the film will end. Especially since the director has clarified to Karni Sena morons that there is no dialogue between the two stars, that they do not share even a single scene, and there’s absolutely no interaction between them.

In fact, you get a sense of this when the many disclaimers come on, before the movie begins.

This is based on a poem from the 16th century poem – Padmavat. There is no intent to harm anybody’s feelings.

So you know there’s going to be masturbatory dialogues to glorify Rajputs.

The film does not intend to glorify Sati

So you know there’s going to be a ten minute, slow-mo, climactic shot of Sati, a money-shot involving yellow, gold and red – Bhansali’s own RGY colour format.

No animals were harmed in the making of this film.

So you know that all the animals shown will be whipped up by underpaid Indian animation artists. Which is why when Alauddin Khilji turns up with an exotic ostrich, it resembles a bird from Chhota Bheem.

After eight movies, the Indian viewer has gotten used to the opulence and grandeur. The viewer is looking for nuance and story, and Bhansali offers none of that. The film begin with Deepika Padukone, who is introduced as the warrior princess who lives in the kingdom of Bahubali Sets. She’s fierce and strong and independent and all that, but you know she’s going to end up as the second wife of the king, the noble Raja Moron Singh.

On the other side, there is Alauddin Khilji, essayed by an earnest performance by Ranveer Singh. A role so earnest that he does everything the director asks him to do. If this was a Muslim majority state, Bhansali would have been stoned to death for depicting Muslims in bad light. To uphold the fragile prestige of one group, Bhansali demonises the other.

His Alauddin Khilji does everything one can to appear evil.

Evil Ruler Things

Quite naturally, he hears of Padmavati, and decides to attack Chittor.

Which then brings us to the other king in the story:

Raja Ratan Sen.

King of Chittor,

Works at Pouter @Pouting.

Owner of weird nipples.

Weird Nipples

If he just ran to Khilji and showed him his nipples, Khilji would have given up the war and turned Buddhist.

Shahid Kapoor’s interpretation of an upright king is to play him stiff and uptight. Not only does Raja Dishaheen Singh look like Padmavati’s younger brother, their love scenes look like a kinky Rakshabandhan fetish video.

This is where Bhansali slips. To massage the fragile ego of Karni Sena, he makes Shahid’s character mouth absurd Rajput-praising lines every few minutes.

While wearing his clothes: Jo samundar paar karey, woh Rajput.

While eating food: Rajput ghee lagaake khate hain, Dalda nahi.

While bathing: Raput Nivia Mens Body Wash use karte hain, Lifebuoy nahi.

On and on and on, till you actually wish for Khilji to attack and fucking kill the guy. Drive a sword right through him and then get him trampled by elephants.

Ironically, after mouthing all the bravado, Raja Pout Singh goes on to commit the most moronic mistakes a 13th century ruler could.

He invites an oppressor who openly threatened to take his wife away (Khilji was a one man Karni Sena), and then has lunch and plays chess with him. As Khilji camps outside his fort and supplies have been cut off, he hides the fact from his people, instead choosing to celebrate a grand Diwali and Holi.  

He goes to Khilji’s camp all alone, without a weapon. What were you thinking? That is Alauddin Khilji, not Raju the Postman. If there were memes in the 13th century India, Raja Bawaal Singh would be one.

There are so many Rajput-appeasing dialogues in the movie, that you begin to laugh at the irony when Shahid Kapoor jumps from one faux pas to another. If anything, Karni Sena should be offended by how stupid Raja Wierd Nipple Singh is shown.

He escapes from Khilji’s captivity, only to walk up to him and mouth some garbage dialogues; resulting in the death of 800 soldiers, including the Chief Commander, who loses his head because his king never chose to use his own.

In analysing the movie, I may have inadvertently found the solution to the Karni Sena backlash. Bhansali needs to employ those jobless Karni Sena activists as interns in his Editing Department. He badly needs an editor of his movies – Padmavat lags and jags and drags and sags.

By the end, you want Khilji to get it done with, and Rani Padmavati to jump into the fire. You don’t even get that, because there’s a slow-mo, jerk-off Johar scene. For some reason, you are treated to a shot of women of all ages and sections of the society jump into a large flame. That this is a source of any pride is honestly revolting!

*

Decades later, Padmavat will feature in a Bhansali Kalaeidoscope in film festivals around the world. While introducing the movie, it will be remembered as the film that raked up a storm because a bunch of morons decided to milk it for political mileage.

It will be remembered as the film for which he got death threats, a film that whipped up a frenzy in a nation already crippled with a number of other problems.

But as I walked out of the movie, stuffed with soft drinks and popcorn, and stepped out of the mall on to the cold, winter night, I was looking for bonfires to jump into, and end my life.

*****

46 thoughts on “Movie Review – Padmavat(i) – Kaafi Tatt(i)

  1. Sushmita Gupta

    Oh fantastic the way you bring in irreverent humour and make a point. Also superb the way you blast the pride thing that makes people clanish for no apparent reason. More power to you. I am so glad I stumbled upon your writing.

    Reply
  2. Ryan the Rajpoooot

    Great review.

    Glad that for every 1000 semi-literate (I’m being polite!) nationalists, there are half a dozen with common sense and a sense of humor.

    The fact that this awful regressive movie based on pure fiction, with its appalling lack of depth, binary characterization, compete lack of nuance has been receiving so much attention and praise is sad, and shows the world an embarrassing view of contemporary Indian society.

    Oh, India….not sure when, or if, you will ever be the superpower your enthusiastically hugging prime minster so desperately wants the rest of the world to believe you are.

    Reply
  3. Swordsman

    Lol! My thoughts exactly! Enjoyed it! Well written Ranjan!

    In the meantime, I hope you have applied for Z+ category security and have gone into hiding till these KS types find the next thing to get up in arms about!!

    Don’t stop writing!

    Reply
  4. Vijay

    The only good thing that came out of watching this movie was that my friend shared me this post.
    Awesome and hilarious review.
    Especially the fact you finished at the last “Share this .Sai ram.” Perfecto.
    I wish you wrote something about the epic clash between Khilji and Rawal.Even mighty raju and Chota Bheem does better stunts.

    Reply
  5. Amitava

    Dude!! Was hoping for some more names for Raja Stumble Singh. Clearly the most hilarious part of the review 🙂

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    There’s a serious grey area here. By extension of the writer’s logic, one need not be proud of being Indian simply because he/she had no contribution or choice in the matter (as someone above has already pointed out).
    Notwithstanding, I agree that the brouhaha over the movie, without people even having watched it, was ridiculous.

    Reply
    1. Paresh Kenkre

      So, we are proud of being Indian. Pakistani is proud of Pakistan. Even Syrian is proud of Syria and Nigerian is proud of Nigeria. So national pride field is equal for all. What next ?

      Reply
  7. Anonymous

    Loved this. Wish more of us could think clearly.
    And just to piss off the nationalists/people who’re proud of the family/cast/clan/nation they were born in –

    “I could never understand ethnic or national pride. Because to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill, it’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say “I’m proud to be 5’11”. I’m proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer.” So why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish, or proud to be Italian, or American or anything?”

    – George Carlin

    Reply
  8. Paresh Kenkre

    I was anxiously awaiting your review on this movie. I have no interest in Bhansali and his movies. I was just intrigued by the headlines it captured in last six months or so. Your write-up is witty and humorous as always, but what the morons who wrote all those comments, certainly overshadowed you in the humor department. Couple of them were genuinely funny, rest just justified points you made.

    Reply
  9. Nilesh

    It’s interesting that you don’t really appreciate Bhansali but so jobless that you watched his film soooooooo carefully and then this longggggggggggg useless post.
    ☺👏

    Reply
  10. Conker Day

    Weird nipples or not. You certainly missed much from snatches of history that were used in the movie, that is again based on fiction. Here is what: Under Khilji, enslavement of Indians grew leaps and bounds. Enslaving the defeated (and the tax defaulters etc) was part of Delhi Sultanate policy. Under Allauddin, the taking of slaves became a raging fire. Mostly because his armies conquered or won wars across wide areas of India, much more than any previous ruler with policy to capture slaves, and convert them to Islam. Slaves were transported to Delhi or urban centres, to work under Turk/Afghan elite. And slaves were converted, leading to magnificent jump in Muslim population in India.
    Areas Allauddin (and Kafur) emerged victorious: Rajasthan, MP, Gujarat, Deogiri (Maharashtra), Kakatiya (Telangana and AP), Hoysala (Karnataka, and Pandyas (Madurai). Imagine the booty, and imagine the number of people made slaves.

    Reply
    1. Hriday Ranjan Post author

      Dude, you’re missing the point. I was reviewing the movie, not a chapter in history. Why the fuck would I talk about Khilji’s history? I am well aware of his exploits. You have to understand that a movie need not be historically accurate. And even if it is a historical movie, there is something called creative control which a director can choose to employ, thus choosing to include/exclude anything he/she wants.

      Reply
    2. banojyotsna

      excuse me can you kindly post here the source of your profound knowledge of Alauddin khilji? which book written by which historian are you referring to? I am intrigued to know. thanks much.

      Reply
    3. KS

      so did the Hindu rulers. They were just called Shudras. There is a reason 13 or 14th centuries were called medieval period. If we still want to behave that way then good for us. At least we should stop giving ourselves airs that we are a 21st century nation with progressive ideas.

      Reply
      1. anonymous

        Love that reply more than anything else ! and yes ! I, too am sick of Padmavat Bhansaali’s distasteful movies and his grand take on stuff, he knows nothing about. In this case, no damn soul in India really knows, what the fuck Padmavati was. When the history is ambiguous, they shall not be allowed to show such outrageously annoying misogynist shit and regressive practices like ‘Sati’ with such splendour and magnificence. I don’t know where the censor board goes when it comes to taking such sane decisive calls. This chauvinist picture is way more disgusting than any abusive words that are beeped in movies in India. That doesn’t go down their throat but this patriarchal shit does.

        Reply
    1. KS

      bata bhi diya to kya kar loge? you people should first sort out which Karni Sena is the real one and who represents Rajput pride more than others.

      Reply
  11. Vk

    I personally think the opportunity was great for you. You should have actually jump into the bonfire and end it all….. Mast hota…..

    Reply
  12. Swastik Choudhury

    Many a times I have disagreed with you Mr. Heartranjan on the views that you have expressed. But at times its the humor and unabashed descriptions that have made his write ups more interesting than the actual subject matter. This is a must read for anyone who can take up sarcasm. And a must share for anyone who knows whats wrong with Bollywood!

    Reply
  13. Khushboo Chauhan

    Going by ur point of not being proud of being a Rajput just because one is born in that clan, in that case one should not be proud of being an Indian just because we just happened to be born here……….make sense of what you write

    Reply
    1. Hriday Ranjan Post author

      True. And that’s my problem with jingoism too. Be proud of achievements, not because of your birth. And yes, simply bring proud of being born in India is useless. What does it achieve?

      Reply
      1. Ishan

        It means being proud of one’s roots, one’s defined characteristics and then trying to give them new meanings.
        If you do not find a new metal, that does not make you a looser, may be you just did not want to do it. You should be proud of WHO YOU ARE. Period.
        Creating a disturbance and nuisance giving clan as a justification is stupid for sure.
        But then again, these are 2 different things and should not be mixed..

        P.S. – this is my point of view.. do not issue fatwas for me please.. 😜

        Reply
    2. Shambhavi Singh

      Well yeah… that is the whole point!!! rajput pride IS pretty useless. And just being born an indian should not be the reason you feel proud. What will you feel proud of anyway??

      Reply

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