Monthly Archives: March 2015

Yo, What’s Your Beef?

In the continuing absurdity that is Indian politics, another chapter was written two weeks ago when the Maharashtra government banned the sale, consumption and possession of beef.

And this has confirmed my staunch belief that religion mixed with politics is a recipe for disaster. As with every stupid government decision, behind every decision, is a hollow, fuck-all logic.

The most common reason stated was that it is hurtful to Hindu sentiments, as the cow is a sacred animal for millions of Hindus.

Firstly, Hinduism isn’t a monolithic religion, it does not have one scripture, one set of rules, or norms. And yet, sadly, all the great upholders of religion on social networking sites seem to follow a certain, media-created idea of Hinduism. One that was woven out of mythological serials on Sunday mornings and Amar Chitra Katha comics.

For if any of these idiots actually read any scriptures, one finds a huge number of references to non-vegetarian food. That it was consumed, written about, and celebrated in a million ways. Yet, for all our pride in our ancient roots, and the wonderful diversity that Hinduism enjoys, we choose to abide by (and shove down upon others’ throats), a particular streak of carefully-chosen Brahminical Hinduism.

They told us that this is what the religion is – encapsulated thousands and thousands of years of a vibrant, unique way of life into a set of Dos and Donts – and like blind sheep, we choose to abide by it.

Then, there was the second logic thrown around.

Why can’t we ban beef, when other nations have banned pork?

Which is such an idiotic logic, that you feel like stuffing a seekh up their ass.

Just because other regressive nations dictate how their citizens should lead their personal lives, why should India do it too? Why are comparisons always made with UAE and Dubai and other regressive states? Why can’t we aspire for higher?

Which is an interesting thought. If you analyse any pro-Hindu dumbwit, you see a pattern. These guys hate Islamic states with all their heart. And yet, they will stand by and applaud as India gets reduced to exactly that – a pseudo-Islamic state that believes it has the right to decide what is right for the people.

And all the supporters of the ban are the same set of people – Hindu, upper caste/class, vegetarians, and BJP supporters. Idiots who drank from the well and now want to spit the wisdom down your throats.

But trying arguing with a BJP fanboy!

For some reason, BJP fans are the most aggressive, intolerant sort on social media networks. The Communist will meander about the discussion and then put up a link to a Rumi poem. The secularist will keep disagreeing, avoiding anything outlandish, for fear of coming across as intolerant. The Congress supporter is still hiding his face in shame. But the BJP supporter!

Arguing with a BJP supporter is like playing Tug of War with an ox. After a point, you look at yourself, wonder what the what the fuck you were thinking, and let go of the rope.

And so obsessed are BJP fanboys of their leader, that they will go on about him on social media when he does something right (I’m not a fanatic, and he IS doing some things right, won’t deny him that).

But when his government does something stupid, the BJP langots simply vanish into thin air. Question them about it, and they’ll share a picture of their dog pooping on a plate of Upma.

And vegetarian animal rights activists will add to the debate with their asinine logic of global warming and animal rights violations. Because it is fine if you slaughter buffaloes, but not cows. Go Mata, go!

What we forget is that beef is cheap, nutritious, tasty food for billions of people. Yes, it is sacred for some Hindus, but so are other animals. In some communities, even onion and garlic are considered unholy because they grow underground (yet another fuck-all logic!). Do we go around banning it?

Why do we have to stoop as low as the extremists?

In many ways, Hinduism is among the most tolerant religions in the world. Why can’t we celebrate that, revel in its diversity, and let people choose what is right for them? Why do we have to stoop to the levels of …ahem…You Know Who?

India doesn’t need to do shit like that, man. Grow up!

And the ruling party imposing rules pertaining to personal life is a dangerous trend. In many…*cough cough*…religious countries, we have seen how disastrous it is for the social fabric of the nation.

And where does this cycle of banning what we don’t approve of, end?

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Chiranjeevi

A Script for Chiranjeevi’s 150th Film

There have been reports in the Telugu film circles that Chiranjeevi (lovingly called MegaStar by his fans) has been looking for a script for his next film – his 150th.

However, if our brothers at film channels are to be believed, the right script seems to evade the makers.

As we all know, every big budget Telugu film is completely different from the other. They all have completely different plots and characters, and one could never predict how things are going.

Along these lines, may I humbly present a possible script for Sir’s next film. This script, needless to say, is completely new, and fresh. Like the dew drops on Soundarya’s navel in the famous song Jabilli…sorry, I am getting carried away here.

Here is the script.

*

The film begins with a flashback, shot in grim tones of sepia or greyscale. A child is watching from behind a wall, scared. He must be about 10, clad in a white shirt and brown knickers.

Across the wall, a group of men have encircled a middle aged man. Trapped within the circle, the middle aged man holds a metal rod in his hands, just as the circle gets closer around him. We see a man watching coldly from a distance, a man with a thick moustache, white shirt, and thick gold chains around his neck.

Close up of the boy’s face – he wipes off the rain from his eyes, as they grow wider – KHACHAAK!! – blood splatters across his face. Through the reflection in his eyes, we see the man has fallen to the ground, the metal rod lying limp next to him. The boy covers his mouth to stop himself from crying, as the goons leave the scene.

The screen fades to black, as large letters spread across the scene –

ROWDY BAABAI.

*

We now have the intro song.

Sir has grown up now. We have a nice song with Kali Mata’s procession in the background. Sir is dancing along with his friend Ramesh, and other friends from the colony.

He is Muruga – The Fearless.

The intro song introduces Sir as the youthful, bubbly star that he is. 

Then, Sir meets heroine – Suvarnalata.

She is a demure, silent girl. She doesn’t like love, doesn’t believe in it. But one day, a dark man tries to touch her on the way to college. Muruga reaches the scene and beats him up, and Suvarnalata notices him for the first time.

When she goes home, she is thinking – ‘Do I love Muruga?’

She is dressed in a pink nightgown, and we show the innocent beauty of a girl through a song.

First para, she is sleeping on a rose bud – not flower, only bud. ‘Why do I feel like this?’ she sings. And then, Muruga enters from the right. Suvarnalata looks at Muruga, and the rose bud under her slowly opens up into a rose flower.

In the second para, as she is sleeping on the rose flower, Muruga jokingly pinches her navel, and a pigeon comes flying and lands on it. Muruga keeps a grape on her navel, which the pigeon picks up and eats. Suvarnalata hides her face abashedly.

In the third para, Muruga pinches her navel, and then slowly climbs up on her. He balances on her navel and starts doing Yoga on it.

By the end of the song, Suvarnalata and Muruga are in love. 

*

Next, villain’s entry.

Suvarnalata is walking home one day, when SCREEEEEECH! – a jeep parks in front of her. A few goons step out, pull her into the vehicle, and zoom off. The heroine calls out, but nobody responds – women of the neighbourhood close their doors in fear. Frantically, the heroine pulls off the golden chain from her neck and flings it on the road.

The hero returns home, and sees the chain lying on the floor. He picks it up, looks at the heavens and screams – SUVARNALATAAAAAAA !

He then looks down at the tyre tracks and begins running in the direction of the Jeep. We show time and distance passing quickly, as the hero runs and runs and runs, till he reaches the Jeep.

He leaps over a car and lands atop the Jeep, shattering the windows and windscreen. The goons step out, one of them holding Suvarnalata by the hair. Muruga pulls out the exhaust pipe from the bike and clobbers them one by one. He pulls Suvarnalata out from their grasp and holds her close to his chest.

Just then, a phone rings, it’s the villain calling one of the goons. Muruga bends down to pick up the phone. Then, full punch-dialogue takes place between the two.

We see that the villain is the very same man who killed the school teacher in the first scene. They talk to each other, full punch-dialogue.

‘You are a small fish in the aquarium. I own the sea inside which there is a submarine, inside which the aquarium is placed’.

‘I am the lion who eats buffalo meat twice a day, you are only a zebra. When I reach you, you will have stripes of black, white, and red’.

‘I am the sun, you are the eclipse. You scissors, I rock’.

‘Jaya jaya hey Mahishasura Mardini Ramya Kapardhini Shaila Suthe’.

‘Jingalala ho, jingalala ho, hurr hurr hurr’. 

By the end of the conversation, the hero and villain throw open challenges to each other. Then, they accept each other’s challenge. 

Now, we meet the second heroine.

She is modern, bubbly, wears shorts, and shows her navel to the world. She sees the hero when he is rescuing a small beggar kid from the footpath, and bites her lower lip in passion.

This modern girl – Mona – wants the hero very badly, but Muruga only has feelings for Suvarnalata. Mona sings a song for Muruga to get his attention – ‘Sex, sex sex. I want sex. Gimme gimme sex, ra bulloda‘.

But Muruga only smiles and pinches her navel.

Here, we also have the Comedy Track. Brahmanandam plays an astrologer who cheats people. He reads their hand and makes a prediction, which his sidekick immediately executes. For example, he tells a woman that if she doesn’t hand over her gold chain, it will start raining. His friend is sitting on top of the tree and he pours a bucket of water on her LOLOLOL.

Brahmanandam tries to con Muruga, but he smashes his skull in with a PVC pipe. 

Muruga is walking home when he smells some food cooking. The wisps of smoke enter his nose and send electric shocks through his body. His eyes well up with tears and he begins to look around frantically.

He runs in slow motion, the smell getting stronger and stronger, stirring memories from his childhood. He keeps running till he reaches a small hut. From inside the hut, an old, blind woman steps out. She is frail and poor, and when she senses the hero standing in front of her, she calmly calls out – ‘Muruga, it’s you, isn’t it?’

Muruga walks towards her, and falls down at her feet. It begins to rain as he weeps, holding her feet. Yes saar, you guessed it right – the old woman is none other than his Mother.

She calls him into the house, and we see that he also has a sister. She is a young girl, wears salwar-kameez, and ties her hair up with a ribbon. She also starts crying profusely when she sees Muruga.

Mother makes Muruga sit on her lap on the floor and feeds him with her own hands. Muruga is overwhelmed – it is the same taste, the same flavour. His tears continue to flow like Godavari river. 

*

Suvarnalata sees Muruga on the road, giving a lift to Mona. She feels jealous and decides to teach Muruga a lesson.

When Muruga returns home, she slowly takes off her clothes one by one, and puts on a jeans and T-shirt. She is looking very fresh and juicy, our mango crazy. He smiles a coy smile, and – cut to song.

Muruga is dancing with both the heroines. He is in the middle as both Suvarnalata and Mona are dancing for him. This is full rocking-folk song. Lyrics are – ‘Bring your sugarcane into my machine. I will take out your juice and drink it. Bring your cucumber into my kitchen, I will chop it and eat it’.

Then, again Comedy Track.

Brahmanandam finds the hero walking on the road and decides to cheat him again. This time, he’s dressed as an LIC Agent and promises to give people five times their investment in a week. He narrates the same story to Muruga, who picks up a cycle chain, smashes him with it, and ties him up to a tree LOLOLOL.

*

Muruga gets a call from his friend Ramesh (who was seen dancing with Muruga in the intro song). Ramesh informs Muruga that the villain – Surya – was seen trying to set fire to their basti

Muruga immediately rushes to the scene and finds the villain there. He single-handedly beats them all to pulp, but the villain escapes in the last minute.

While escaping, he turns around and fires a bullet. Ramesh sees it and rushes to save Muruga, and is felled down by the bullet. Muruga screams and rushes out to hold Ramesh, who is spouting blood from his mouth. He smiles at Muruga, runs a blood-stained hand across his face, and says ‘I couldn’t do it, my friend. You do it for me. Kill him, cut his body, and feed it to – aaaaaaa…breathes his last.

Muruga is devastated, and looks up at the sky (aerial shot), as it begins to rain. 

Suvarnalata calls Muruga and asks him to meet her. They meet on her terrace and Rain Song starts.

In the first para, they are dressed in traditional dresses. In the second para, the heroine is dressed in Apsara costume. Muruga makes her lie down on a bed of roses and eats fruits off her navel.

In the third para, we have a folk setting. The heroine is dressed in a half-saree and Muruga in a kurta-lungi. At the end of the song, he drives a tractor across Suvarnalata’s navel. 

Brahmanandam again comes to Muruga, this time dressed as a scientist who tells people that gold and silver ornaments are bad for the skin. Many people are fooled by Brahmanandam and his assistant, till they meet Muruga.

Muruga brings out a chainsaw and cuts through Brahmanandam. He then douses the body parts with petrol and sets him on fire LOLOLOL. 

*

Back to action.

Muruga is returning home, as he sees a circle of people around his house. He walks up to the circle, to find that the villain has raped his sister. She lies on the floor, the sleeves of her dress torn open.

Mother is wailing next to a pillar, and the hero rolls his fist into a ball. We see a nerve running up from his wrist, all the way up to his neck. There is thunder and lightning, and Muruga looks up at the sky and screams – SURYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Surya is sitting in his house, on a swing. There are 20 Tata Sumos outside the palatial building. The hero walks into the building all by himself; the wind is making his hair fly in slow motion.

Muruga kills all the goons with his bare fists. Some of them fly into walls nearby, the others lie limp on the ground. The hero keeps doing it till there are only two men standing – Muruga and Surya.

They are in the courtyard now. Surya takes out a gun and shoots Muruga. He stumbles backward and falls down. Life is slowly leaving his body, when his fingers feel something on the ground.

Using blood-soaked fingers, he digs into the mud, and lo and behold! – finds the metal rod that his father had held in his hands. As Surya is smiling a smug smile, Muruga stands up, runs towards him, and spears him with it.

Surya is dead. Muruga falls and down and cries. This was the same spot where his father had died. Life has come a full circle.

Muruga draws a full circle with the metal rod and plants it in the middle.

*

Back in the house, Muruga is standing next to his mother.

Suvarnalata walks in dressed in a saree, and Mother blesses her. Suddenly, Mona walks in too, also wearing a saree. Mother looks in the direction of Muruga, smiles, and blesses her too.

Camera pans up to the wall, and there is a photo of Tirupati Balaji with two wives standing next to him. All three of them are smiling happily.

The whole family smiles in a snapshot, as the words appear on the screen – ITS JUST THE BEGINNING.

 

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