Monthly Archives: August 2013

Aam Aadmi Rape vs. Baba Rape

Namaste.

Over the last few days, many of our brothers and sisters have been raising questions about Asaramji, with regard to the rape accusations.

These people are foolish. They do not understand the truth.

But that is alright. I hold no grudges against them. “A man whose heart is free from doubt and away from passion, attains the supernatural powers of the Supreme Lord,” Bapu has said.

On this day, let me explain to those people who are raising these questions on Bapuji. Let me spread the light of knowledge on the ignorance of the masses. May they see the light of truth!

Tamasoma Jyotiraditya Scindia. 

Hari Om!

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Let us begin with the basic accusation. Of the rape.

Now you see, there is a difference between an Aam Aadmi Rape (i.e. a rape done by a normal man) and a Baba Rape (i.e. a rape committed by a saint).

A Baba Rape is different.

Let us begin with the first point: The reaction.

Now, when a common man is accused of rape, people take to the streets. Often, people are seen to ask for the rapists to be hanged/castrated/married to Arnab Goswami. But then, those are the ordinary citizens. We are talking about people who have evolved to a higher level of consciousness.

You see, in a Baba Rape, you cannot simply ask for conviction and justice. That is sin. Shiva Shiva! *mock slaps both cheeks in quick succession*

You see, when a Baba Rapes, it is a political conspiracy. It is not just a mundane case of a man violating a woman, it is a grand storm that is brewed in the highest centers of power. It does not entail a simple penetration, it is hatched by the sharpest of minds, and then planned, and then the actors are sent to put the plan into action. It is a conspiracy of Ghattotkacha proportions.

Secondly, when it is an Aam Aadmi Rape (AAR), there is an immediate nationwide hunt for the accused. Their photos are on Facebook, their posters put out in the open. Televisions run their sketches on their news bulletins. But you can’t do that to a guruji, no?

When we talk about a Baba Rape, things are different. For one, Guruji will still come on television in the morning (5 AM, Sankar TV, by the way. Please watch. Hari Om!). Also, Guruji will be supported on television by many people. Some of them even former Chief Ministers. They will declare Guruji ‘innocent’. Which is of course, the truth, as you, our Lord, and the entire universe knows. Yet these doubting Thomases want to go through investigations, blood samples, and other such banal procedures!

Thirdy, the discourse around the rape victim is also a matter of great importance. Generally, in an AAR, it is the victim whose condition (drunken or sober), attire (saree or western outfit), or social status (married, divorced) is discussed. Guruji has also spoken on this issue earlier, when he had said that the girl could have tied a rakhi to the rapists and called them ‘bhaiyya’. See how simple, and what a beautiful solution it is? The girl would have got six brothers, and they would see her off safely at her bus stop. But then, kya karein, some people do not understand.

In the case of a Baba Rape, however, the girl is a liar. This has already been established. Firstly, the girl is from Gwalior, the rape is supposed to have happened in Jodhpur, and the FIR was lodged in Delhi. Why?

Also, Guruji’s son has also publicly said that the girl is mentally challenged. Pagal hai ladki. And like one of our brothers said on Times Now yesterday, if a girl has accused a great soul of rape, how can her mental condition be right in the first place?

Those who are making these accusations do not know of the achievements of Asaram Bapu. Asaramji runs thousands of schools for poor children, providing education and livelihood to many, many citizens of the country. He is also seen as a spiritual icon, and revered by lakhs of devotees.

Which naturally means that he is elevated over what you and me, dear brother and sister have to go through.

Please understand, dear brothers and sisters, that there is a difference between an Aam Aadmi Rape and a Baba Rape.

An Aam Aadmi Rape is an act of a citizen of the country violating the modesty of a woman.

A Baba Rape, is an erection of the inner consciousness, a thrusting of one’s efforts, and a climax resulting in an outpour of enlightenment. Thank you!

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(Adjusts hair) Theek tha, bhai? 

Ek dafa aur de doon? 

Guest Blog: Tushar – “A Raksha Bandhan Message”

tusharDear friends,

Things like culture, religion and custom are generally seen as relics of the past. They are mocked at, looked at like dinosaurs. Many of the younger generation mock these customs and beliefs.

But I have always believed in them.

I am not going to be lecturing you about anything. I have three stories to tell, that’s it. Just three stories – no big deal. And then I am positive I can convince you about the importance of our culture and their customs.

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1. I am an actor.

I know what you are thinking. You probably giggled when you read that. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

I entered the industry amidst the Sunnys, Salmans, and Sanjays. I was not beefy. It’s debatable if people found me good looking or not. The Hindi film industry was waking up to the mega-glosser family entertainers that did huge business.

When I came in, people wrote me off. But I went all out. I even took off my shirt even though conspiracy theorists said it was surrogate advertising for KFC. It wasn’t. It was hard work and persistence. I had nothing to say.

When my first film did well, I learnt that hard work pays. I knew I could stand tall amidst the heroes. I had something to say. As did my debut film – Mujhe Kuchh Kehna Hai.

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Now, heroes’ sons have come and gone. There was Kumar Gaurav, who in spite of huge hits, vanished into oblivion. Shadaab Khan, Fardeen Khan, Harman Baweja – countless such examples. It is easy to do well in one movie, but the important bit is hanging in there. Not giving up.

Now, I have always believed that a person’s personality is often reflected in his body of work. It is, ultimately, what he is – his body of work, a legacy that he leaves forever. I am not the kind to insinuate anything, but look at the names of Shiney’s films – Sins, Gangster, Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi. Just saying.

Me, I was always trying. When people talked about lack of any screen presence, I capitalised on that and made Gayab, when they said that the only challenge to me in the film was the village well, I did Shart: The Challenge. When people said there was something about me, I did Kuchh Toh Hai.

Kuchh nahi tha

Kuchh nahi tha

And finally when they said I came across as dumb handicapped, I did Golmaal.

I had to adapt. I am after all, a human. (I also did a film called Insaan, by the way).

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It’s not easy to hang in there. It is difficult.

It is difficult when your Facebook fan page has 1285 Likes. When you are trying to search for ‘Tushar Superstar’, and Google suggests you to the LinkedIn profile of one Tushar Supekar, Project Engineer at Aarti Ind. Ltd. When you check your Wikipedia page and realise that you had started your career with Kareena Kapoor and your latest heroine is Celina Jaitley.

When people say that your dance looks like you’re fighting and your fighting looks like a dance. You question yourself. You begin to ask yourself if what you’re doing is the right thing.

But all you need is that final push. That one comment that goes ‘Hey Tushar! I love you. Accept my friend request. <3 Isha from Bokaro’.

You need to hang in there.

And this is the third final lesson. It is important hang in there.

For every Aggar, there will be a Dirty Picture

For every Dhol, there will be a Shor in the City

For every Yeh Dil, there will be a Shootout at Lokhandwala.

So when all the odds are stacked against you, how do you survive? What keeps you going? I will leave you with that question. 

Be nice to your sisters. Tie rakhis, give gifts. It might just change your life!

Lots of love,

Tushar Kapoor.

What a (rotten) Idea, sir ji!

Yet another Indian festival is coming up, and like every other brand, Idea has decided to make a new advertisement for Raksha Bandhan.

Every year, Idea has been making ads on everything that plagues the nation. Corruption, Cultural Differences, Overpopulation, Illiteracy, and Environment.

Each and every of those problems, solved by some half shit idea that wouldn’t be published in Champak, and a smug Abhishek Bachchan at the end smiling like he pooped an Oscar statue in the morning.

Now, I don’t have anything against bad ads. Pepsi has been making shitty ads since decades. Brainless montages of clips and punchlines that have no link whatsoever to each other. There’s no harm in that (except to MJ’s hair).

But it is pretentious ads that make me puke. And I don’t really see a point in it. I mean, it’s not as if you are educating the people about the problems of the country. Neither are you putting forth a serious (or even a funny) solution to the problem.

Instead, all the ads have asinine hypotheses like wives watching 3G on their phone to reduce population, or people using their phone numbers instead of their names. Which not only makes a mockery of the problems in the first place, they mock our intelligence. It is not interesting, it is not funny.

It is plain stupid. The kind of thing I would make my enemy watch on his deathbed.

With Rakhsa Bandhan coming up, the think-tank drink-drank at Idea Cellular decided to come up with another idea.

In this ad, a girl is riding towards somewhere, asks a cop for directions, and then ties him a rakhi. In the end, in the same smiling, pompous tone like in all their ads, we are told what a brilliant idea it is.

It is not, sir. It’s a fucking stupid idea.

Here’s why.

1. Cops are assholes.

The police is supposed to be the protector of law. The ones who enforce that everything goes in order and no one harms anyone else, and perfect law and order is maintained.

But in reality, the cops are hated. They are scoffed at, loathed, feared. Anything but respected. And with reason.

I have never seen one, not one, policeman who is polite, and seems like he is paid to follow some rules, and is not fucking Zeus.

The cops are bullies, modern day bandits who go around in their vans, immune and fearless – shouting, beating, bullying, and extracting money from anyone who they see fit, on that particular day.

No one questions it, no one says a word. You keep quiet and avoid a cop at all costs. I have seen young Home Guards – hardly 25 – abuse and slap an elderly gentleman. Films like Dabbang give the image of a cop a halo, making it even more acceptable that a cop can enter a room and start beating up people. No one finds any problem with that.

The government pumps in money, fuelling their vans, so these fat, unfit, uncouth bullies can go around striking fear in the hearts of people.

And no one says a word.

Transparency International, in its Global Corruption Barometer 2013 survey, that tracks public opinion on corruption, reported that about 75% of the country thought that the police was corrupt. Second only to political parties. Also, 62% of the respondents said they had paid bribe of some sort to the cops. Also, the figure for annual bribes paid on the road in India is 4.5 million dollars, and Transparency International themselves say this figure might be understated.

But it is not really the corruption that is unsettling about the cops. It is the impunity with which they treat people – like thieves and slaves.

But then, that’s not the only reason your idea sucks donkey balls. Here’s the second.

2. Cops don’t give a fuck about women.

Keeping general behaviour aside, cops mutate and transform into monstrous assholes when there is a woman involved.

You may get away with a few hundred rupees, or a litany of apologies, but take a walk with a girl at night, and you are walking around with a can of worms. They will haul you up, ask you for identification, your parents’ numbers, and generally talk to you as if you are a pimp and a whore, taking a walk in the night.

You have to watch how cops look at a woman in a police station, even if most times it is she who is the wronged one.

And before you accuse me of basing my opinion entirely on personal experience, kindly google up on crimes against women by policemen themselves. Forget sensitivity and a sense of duty, even basic courtesies aren’t observed.

soni sori

An intelligent system identifies a problem, and tackles it in the most efficient manner. Crimes against women have been reported everywhere, even causing ripples in the heart of power in the country.

Do you think anything at all has been done, anything at all, to even solve a bit of the problem?

Zero. Zilch. Shunya.

On the other hand, Salman Khan, a criminal who ran over people, will star in Dabbang 34, Sanjay Dutt will star in Policegiri, and Ram Charan, who asked his bodyguards to beat up two software engineers on the road last month, will star in the remake of Zanjeer, where he will play a cop who beats up people.

I am sure he’ll be natural in the role.

And still, no one says a word.

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So dear head honchos at Idea Cellular, if you could step out of your boardrooms and have a look at the real world, a world that isn’t infested with Bachchans, you’ll realise that the girl would stand in front of a raging bull, than approach a cop. No good can come of that.

And oh, you should fire the guys who make your ads for you.

They’re fooling you. They’re whoring out the biggest problems of the country to you, making you seem like an educated, concerned conglomerate. Do you have an idea that you seem like a bunch of no-brainer idiots, parading around with your lazy, hair-brained ideas, that have no link to the product you’re selling?

No? Well, how about you get idea?

Rahman on Coke Studio

It was inevitable that Indians would love Coke Studio.

The concept that began in Brazil, attempted to bring musicians of two genres together, as a fusion. It then moved to Pakistan, and thanks to YouTube, millions of Indians watched the Coke Studio productions.

Why would Indians lap up Coke Studio?

Because saar, we have no music industry only. Indipop is dead, and classical music and rock belong to very small segments. Most of the music we listen to is film music. In fact, everything is film music.

And till a few years back, all our film music would be the same set – lead singers, drums, some synthesiser, and chorus. Of course, the last few years have been slightly better, but essentially all the music we listen to is made for films. Which means that there is an image we have in mind, there is a context in which the songs appear. Which doesn’t make it music in the true sense. There is nothing to interpret or make out of it. It’s an accompaniment to some moronic film.

Coke Studio Pakistan, under the guidance of Rohail Hyatt as Producer, churned out one beauty after another. Whether it was the stranglehold on your senses by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan in Garaj Baras, or the rustic sound of Jugnoo, every song had it’s own personality. It told a story.

Also, I think, when something is nice in Pakistan, Indians immediately feel a certain connect. I mean, the guys look like us, we use the same words in our songs, and even the instruments are the same. They have Wasim Akram, and we have Sanjay Manjrekar. They are our brothers, only.

And when it was announced that MTV and Coca Cola were bringing Coke Studio to India, I was anticipating it eagerly.

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The first trailers of the Indian series appeared one evening on MTV. It had Kailash Kher and a woman singing together.

Even though it was a Friday, I sat in front of the TV at 7 PM to watch it. I was watching it for Kailash Kher, and the whole novelty of it. But after the song was over, it actually felt calm. The song was more noise than anything else.

One after the other, every Friday, MTV spat out one disappointing episode after another. The main problem was that we had heard all the artists earlier. And half of them were singing film songs. Film songs, for fuck’s sake!

In the Pakistan version, relatively unknown artists became heroes – Aik Alif, Alif Lohar, Noori to some extent. Here, the singers were KK, Shaan, Kailash Kher, Shankar Mahadevan.

And then, I realised who the producer was. Leslie Lewis.

Leslie Lewis: Hariharan's Worse Half

Leslie Lewis: Hariharan’s Worse Half

I liked his work in Colonial Cousins, and this time there wasn’t even Hariharan with his honey voice. Leslie Lewis was the guy who had started the Remix trend, ruining my teenage years, and in a way causing the death of Indipop.

Most of the songs were remakes of Hindi films songs. Some of them simply atrocious – like ‘Tum Jo Mil Gaye Ho’, where you start frantically looking for a chainsaw after the first two minutes. Why would you do that?

Why would you show us these guys who we have been listening to for decades? And how was this fusion of any sort?

I stopped watching after the first three episodes, I guess. The guys at Coke Studio even invited Shafqat Amanat Ali to sing for one of the episodes. Things must have been really bad.

The worst wars, of course, were fought on YouTube.

While earlier Indians would comment – “I’m frm India bt I luv Pakistani muziq. You guys rawks!’ on their videos, you now had Pakistani guys replying with “Hey, I’m from Pakistan. This is a good attempt, it is not so bad. I am sure in a few seasons, things will good. Love from Pakistan.”

It was humiliating, in a way. Stale music that should have been called Campa Cola Studio.

I forgot about the entire season till I saw the trailers for the second season on MTV again. I was as excited as a Kaurava soldier going to battle on the seventeenth day of war.

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The first trailer was a clip of Vishal Dadlani singing with a girl.

The guys at MTV must have realised what a shitfest they had created the last time, so the trailers clearly mentioned that the producers were different for every episode – from Clinton Cerejo to Hitesh Sonik.

I watched the first episode cursorily. But boy, was I pleased!

Clinton Cerejo brought his years of experience in Bollywood and thankfully used none of it on the episode. The episode contained a mix of genres. Nothing was epic, but it sounded good on the ears.

The second episode had Amit Trivedi. Having acquired a cult status for his films, I was a little skeptical. But Trivedi saab managed to surprise me all over again.

There was something different about this season. For one, the musicians seemed to be having fun doing what they were doing. I know all that is just camera work, but the sound was new, and fresh. It managed to surprise me in small, little ways.

I know this is a little late in the day, but I present below my Top 5 songs from the second season:

5. Nimohiya (Amit Trivedi feat. Devender Singh, Harshdeep Kaur)

Punjabi meets jazz in this number that packs a neat little surprise with Shankar Tucker blowing away on his clarinet. Easy tunes accompanied by Trivedi’s trademark backing vocals and sublime interludes. This one was a surprise after Harshdeep Kaur fucked up Tum Jo Mil Gaye Ho last year.

4. Mauje Naina Laage (Clinton Cerejo feat. Bianca Gomes, Shadab and Altamash)

This one is dark and brooding. The slicing voice of the female lead only made the cuts, and when Shadab sprinkled some vintage Indian angst into the song, it was a frothing, bubbling song of anger. This one made the list for the mood it creates on the listener.

3. Chaudhary (Amit Trivedi feat. Meme Khan)

The last time I heard the two collaborate, it was on ‘Aitbaar‘ on ‘No one Killed Jessica’, with explosive results. This time, Meme Khan sings to words written by Shelley. A song that talks about a hapless middle aged zamindar of the village who is smitten by a young girl. I could imagine Khap Panchayats enjoying this song a lot.

But that tasteless joke aside, this song leaves a sweet aftertaste long after it is over.

 

 

2. Madari (Clinton Cerejo feat. Vishal Dadlani and Neha Kakkar)

This was the first song I heard of the season and it remains my favourite. Vishal Dadlani would be the last person I would approach to sing a song that has classical touches in it, but the gamble paid off, and how!

Along with Dadlani, was this diminutive singer I had never seen, but definitely heard. A Google search led me to her page. It’s sad that someone as gifted as her should be known as the singer of ‘Babuji Zara Dheere Chalo’.

The song shifts gears when you least expect it, reaching a crescendo in the final lap, a song that is not brazenly clear in the mood it is creating. You could make whatever you wanted of it, and it is this aspect that makes this my favourite among the songs of the second season.

1. Husna (Hitesh Sonik feat. Piyush Mishra)

Having worked under Vishal Bharadwaj for years, Hitesh Sonik is the guy who has produced the music for films like No Smoking, Gulaal, and Omkara. Apart from composing fantastic background scores, Hitesh Sonik also happens to be married to Sunidhi Chauhan.

In this song, the sublime Piyush Mishra – actor, singer, composer, sidekick to Sardar Khan in the GoW movies – performs Husna, a heart-wrenching song about partition. His magical vocals, combined with the subtle but powerful music of the house band, ranks on top of my favourites of the season.

Interestingly,  all these guys – Trivedi, Cerejo, Sonik, were all people who had worked in Bollywood for years. And yet, nothing of what they made sounded like it was from a film. For once, I felt happy that there was Indian music that I could listen to when I was high.

Ghar ki murgi tasted better than pardesi daal.

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But the good things didn’t just end there.

A few days back, Rahman’s first song for Coke Studio Season 3 premiered on YouTube.

If his MTV Unplugged episode was anything to go by, Rahman established that he could give goosebumps to the average Indian once every five minutes. Even better, while the concept of Unplugged is not to use electric instruments, Coke Studio is a compilation of original scores.

I can’t wait for the third season, but I have only one worry.

I have written earlier about my theory – ‘Rahman Knows‘. He always does.

He knows if what you are producing is sincere and from the heart, or you’re just whoring out and signing him for his fame. Anu Malik fusion. Himesh Nose. Rahman Knows.

And I sincerely hope he watched the Second Season of Coke Studio India, and not the first.

Else, we are all doomed!